Mom I’m leaving,” I say in a voice just a couple levels above my normal register. I pull the door open as quietly as I can, but my caution is foiled by my chonky cat hurdling herself from the living room toward the door in an attempt to escape. Somehow, her little paws sound like hoofbeats on the wooden floor, and her shenanigans alert my mom. She walks into the foyer, and my stomach starts to knot.
“Are you going to Zac’s?” she asks with her eyebrows raised in suspicion.
“Yeah,” I said, shoving the whining cat from the door with my foot. “We might go to Katie’s later though for a bonfire.”
“Okay. Well I guess if you want to risk us all dying of COVID that’s fine. Just make sure you guys are wearing masks.”
“I will,” I respond and quickly make my exit and walk toward my car.
Sitting in my car, I take a deep breath. I hate lying to my mom, but the guilt quickly subsides and is replaced by a hot flash of anxiety. Sweat pools on the seat from my exposed thighs on the hot black leather, so I rummage through the backseat hoping for a t-shirt to sit on and pull out the invitation at the root of my anxiety.
“Congratulations Daniel,” it says in curly black letters with a picture of a scraggly teenager in a red graduation gown below. For weeks I went back and forth on whether I should attend this party. On one hand it meant seeing a lot of people, which would trigger my social anxiety since my social circle had been limited to about eight people for the past few months. Also, going to this party meant seeing people I used to run cross country with during high school. Although I have some good memories from this time, I had always felt a bit out of place with that group. On the other, the party was for one of my best friend’s brother, and she really wanted me and our other friend Kate to be there.
My mind goes on autopilot while I make the drive to Katie’s house, and I think back to my 21st birthday — the last time I had seen anyone outside of my family. I remember being so excited for my 21st birthday. The first few months of quarantine had been filled with monotony and many failed attempts at new hobbies, but I had been determined to have a good time despite not being able to leave the house. My plans included playing Mario Kart and drinking strawberry daiquiris with my family. It was supposed to be a small affair — just my parents, brother, and boyfriend, but on the day it came, my friends from college and my friends from high school surprised me with two separate mini parking lot celebrations. At the end of the night, I was so touched by my friends’ thoughtfulness that I nearly cried but was still disappointed that I had missed out on a traditional 21st birthday filled with lots of noise and people at various bars. The car in front of me jerks to a stop forcing me back to the present. At a red light, I sneak a text to Kate asking her to text me when she gets there so I don’t have to walk in alone.
Once I arrive, my eyes widen upon seeing cars lining the entire block around the house. Fortunately, I see Kate’s car and park crookedly next to her. She is sitting in her car with headphones on totally oblivious to the world. I notice that her hair is different than last time—shorter and blonder with her quarantine bangs finally grown out—and I am again hit with the realization that it’s been months since I have seen her. Kate smiles when she sees me and gets out of the car. We talk animatedly while we approach the gate.
Katie comes to greet us in a pretty, pink dress with a well-practiced smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. She is in hostess mode and doesn’t seem entirely genuine in her greeting, but I can’t blame her. If I had over fifty people at my house, I wouldn’t be acting like myself either. I scan her backyard and take in all the people. Most are Katie and Daniel’s family, but the more I look around, the more I see people I recognize from high school. About half of the girls and boys who ran cross country during my senior year are here and suddenly I am sixteen again. The world blurs slightly before my eyes, and I silently curse Corona for making this reunion possible. I should never have had to see everyone like this again but now everyone is back, and I don’t know how to act. In college, I had branched out and socialized more but months of quarantine had stripped me of these skills.
Katie’s voice snaps me back to reality, and she pulls on my arm leading Kate and me over to a table filled with people. My body drags more than it should, and I would have fallen down had it not been for her support.
The girl Katie brings us to is named Natalie. It seems like Katie has forgotten that although she is friends with this girl and Kate knows her a little, I have spoken to her only a few times over four years of high school. My mind is completely blank and cannot come up with anything to say to this girl. Pain flashes across my body, and I realize that my nails are digging into my hand. As discreetly as I can, I look at my hand and see deep red crescent moon marks.
“So… how’s school going for you?” I ask Natalie — surprised I can get any words out at all.
A brief conversation amongst Natalie, Kate, and Katie ensues, and I do my best to seem interested. After a few long moments I look at Kate and then glance over at a table hidden from everyone else on the side of the house. Once the conversation reaches a natural ending point, Kate and I walk off toward the table.
We arrive at the table and Kate visibly sighs with relief, and her shoulders relax. I assume my body does the same.
“I swear I don’t know how to talk to people anymore,” Kate says.
“Yeah same,” I respond, and we begin to talk about her experiences nursing. Before long I am smiling and speaking faster and faster. Several moments later, I feel hands creep up my shoulders, and I whip my head around with my elbow almost knocking my boyfriend, Zac, in the face. He gives me a knowing smile that creases at the corner of his cheeks and says, “Of course you guys were all the way over here.” He sits and joins our conversation before being joined by Katie and a bunch of guys who used to run cross country.
My conversation with Kate is forced to an end because neither of us have voices loud enough to carry over the conversations of everyone at the table. I turn my head to the right and listen to the gossip about people we used to go to high school with. When one of the guys mentions my old best friend, I open my mouth and try to speak but am immediately cut off. Zac’s hand floats to my thigh and rests there comfortably while I slowly turn my attention to the crowd of people around me. The flickering fire lights up people’s laughing faces with cold beers in their hands, and I wonder why I don’t feel like them.
However, as time passes, I do start to relax. My breath evens out, and I no longer feel like my heart is beating overtime. I still don’t participate in the conversation, but I begin smiling and taking in more of what they are saying. Although their conversation hasn’t changed, I find myself slipping and becoming more involved in the conversation desperate for them to like me.
Suddenly Kate gets up and leaves. She gave no warning. She stood up, looked at no one and walked speedily away with her head down. The boys stare after her as she walks away and then snicker amongst themselves. I cannot hear what they are saying but the expressions on their faces make me want to throw something. I look at my Zac, and he gives me a ‘well what do you expect’ kind of look and his hand grips my thigh tighter. Katie also says nothing. I cannot tell if she is pretending to be oblivious to what happened or if she really didn’t notice, but either way, I am irritated that she didn’t come to our friend’s defense.
All of a sudden, I don’t care what any of these people think of me. Their casual dismissal of one of my best friends and Kate’s decision to just get up and leave bring me clarity. My anxiety vanishes in a flash, and I feel like I am coming out of a daydream. I am not sixteen anymore. There is no reason why I should have to try to make myself be any less than I am to try to impress people I no longer have any connection with. I rise from my chair and follow Kate to a table where she sits alone.
At the table, the world is calm. Heat from the bonfire warms my back, and the sound of people’s laughter is comforting rather than anxiety inducing. Kate and I delve into trashing The Kissing Booth 2 and everything feels normal again. We are briefly interrupted by Zac coming over to our chairs and awkwardly trying to join in. There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence before I ask if he’ll go get me a snack. He kisses my cheek and walks off toward the food table but does not come back. “Rude,” Kate says when she sees him back over talking to the cross guys.
“Eh,” I respond, “It’s fine.” Normally when I say that I am lying but this time I really do mean it. His offer to stay made me know that he will always be here for me, even if we are not on the same page all the time.
As the night comes to an end and I head out, I pull out my phone and see a text from Katie. “Sorry I was being weird,” it says, “Let’s hang out tomorrow just the three of us.” I smile and realize that although COVID turned everything in the world upside down, throughout all of it, there had been people in my life who were always there for me, and I would always be there for them. I no longer feel as strong of a need to feel liked by everyone around me — it is enough to focus on the few people who truly matter.I walk to the car and waves of calm rush over me. Sitting in my car again, I pull out my phone and open my texts. I click on “mom” and pause for a second before punching out, “hey mom, sorry I didn’t tell you, but I went to daniel’s grad party and there were way more people than I expected. i’ll get a covid test and stay at zac’s until the results come back.”
Anonymous | Late August, 2020 | Plymouth, MI